And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Randomize
