Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
Randomize
