I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Randomize
