I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
Randomize
