So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
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