never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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