Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
