I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
Walking in on a gay threesome, with a girl in the corner watching and taking vid is a reason to not only knock, but to never go to Savannah.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
Randomize
