I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
Yes. Hungover. All the boys are going wakeboarding. Boys only. I wish I was a gay guy so I could go wakeboarding but still suck dick.
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Randomize
