i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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