So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
Hippo gnu deer
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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