he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
I'm getting married
To pizza
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Randomize
