I'm in your bed right now
Okay meet you there give me 10
Don't think you can make me leave either
Give me ten I ha e to be ******'s wingman I want you
remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
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