By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
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