We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
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