So how was last night?
Let's just say I danced with the devil
Huh?
I'm going to Hell for sure
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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