NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
