The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
its like whenever the snow comes all the hott girls drop out of school. where are they
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Randomize
