So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
they're both coked to the gills having a shouting match about the powers and abilities of godzilla. and using the wikipedia entry on the topic to support their respective arguments.
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Randomize
