I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Randomize
