Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
At least your nickname is not Plunge Slut and that nickname is not in a published thesis work
Randomize
