I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
Also, beer. Big fan.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
Randomize
