Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
