i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
soo... how was my night?
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
