Whiskey dick.
Yea dude! Love it. Hate it. Have it.
Everyday of my life.
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Randomize
