I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
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