and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Randomize
