Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
and i looked up. we had an audience...
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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