I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
Randomize
