Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
Randomize
