I'm pants shitting drunk right now
forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell
my version of bright and sunny.
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
