Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
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