is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
Randomize
