my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
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