Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize
