i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Randomize
