Please dont use Danity Kane lyrics to describe your emotions.
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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