He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
Randomize
