Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
Randomize
