Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
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