I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
I want her autograph on my taint
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
