great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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