Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
Randomize
