I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
Randomize
