Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
My penis needs a shock collar
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
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