i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Randomize
