I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
Randomize
