I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
