His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
