clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
